I reflected on the relationship between habituation, the fading of wonder, and the withdrawal of passion in human relationships, and found that there are four philosophical approaches we can return to.
But before diving into the philosophical dimension, we need to agree on some definitions in order to understand what follows.
Definitions of Concepts
1. Habituation:
A psychological and neurological process through which a person becomes accustomed to a particular stimulus (a person, place, or behavior), leading to a gradual decline in emotional or cognitive response to that stimulus over time. Habituation is a survival mechanism, but in relationships it may lead to stagnation.
2. Wonder (Astonishment):
A mental and emotional state that arises when a person encounters something unfamiliar or unexpected. In philosophy, wonder is considered the first spark of thinking and questioning (as Plato said: “Philosophy begins in wonder.”)
3. Passion:
A strong inner emotion toward an idea, person, or activity. In relationships, it is the emotional fuel that keeps a person engaged and renewed.
4. Relationships:
Bonds between individuals, whether emotional, intellectual, social, or existential. They are built on continuous interaction and exchange.
The Central Philosophical Question
Does habituation kill wonder, and thus strip relationships of their living meaning?
Can passion and wonder be revived through free will, or is stagnation an inevitable fate?
The Existentialist Perspective
Existentialism sees the human being as free, yet in constant struggle with meaninglessness and routine.
Kierkegaard spoke of “silent despair” that afflicts a person who lives without genuine choice.
From this perspective, habituation in relationships is a form of escaping existential anxiety by hiding conflict behind a mask of false stability.
Heidegger distinguishes between “authentic existence” and “falling into everydayness.”
A relationship that loses its sense of wonder becomes part of this “inauthentic existence,” where we treat the other as something already known in advance, rather than as a living being capable of renewal. Passion withdraws because we stop seeing through the eyes of authentic being.
Existentialist conclusion: There is no escape from habituation except by renewing awareness—by repeatedly choosing, freely, to see the other anew.
The Phenomenological Perspective
Some philosophers argue that habituation kills living perception and replaces it with a “ready-made pattern.” We no longer see our partner; we see only the familiar image we have constructed of them.
Merleau-Ponty believed that the body lives the relationship, not just the mind. When the body loses its sense of wonder and responsiveness toward the other, the encounter becomes mere performance.
This explains how long companionship can turn into a lifeless silence: the meeting no longer truly happens—it is merely reenacted without authentic perception.
Phenomenological conclusion: Preserving wonder is possible if we live the relationship as a renewed event, not as a fixed image.
The Philosophy of Emotion and Love
Pascal suggested that the heart “has its own reasons” that reason does not understand. Love begins in wonder, but over time it requires rational care so that it does not fade.
Habituation kills wonder because we begin to treat love as something owned, whereas in essence it is a continuous act.
Descartes, in his reflections on the passions, argued that emotion fades if it is not nourished by the will. Passion is an act of intellect and will—not merely spontaneous feeling.
Ibn Arabi viewed love as “the light through which truth is perceived in the beloved.” The deeper we go, the more layers are revealed. The absence of wonder, in his view, means we have stopped seeing the “divine face” in the other.
Conclusion of this current: Love and passion do not die as long as the heart remains open to seeing what is not visible on the surface.
The Sufi and Poetic Perspective (Rumi)
For the Sufi, habituation is not a flaw but a test:
How do you love someone you have grown accustomed to?
How do you remain astonished by the same face you have seen a thousand times?
Boredom, if it appears, may be the beginning of transformation. Every moment in a relationship conceals a secret. If wonder disappears, perhaps “inner listening” has disappeared.
Sufi conclusion: Wonder does not vanish; we are the ones who close the eyes of our hearts to it. Returning to passion is returning to presence—not to the past.
Let us not be surprised by the absence of wonder and passion in our relationships. Let us attempt again to rediscover and enter into them. They are not the past; they are the absence of seeing what already exists.
Through habituation, we move into a constructed mode of being—but we can exit it. Not by returning to the past, but by creating a new present and future.
